A printable journal
Anxiety,
My Old
Friend
A journal for things that haven’t happened.
A normal week
Nothing is wrong. That’s when it shows up.
The message says Read. That was four hours ago. You have since worked out which crime you committed. There was no crime. There is never a crime. Anxiety doesn’t need one.
You are awake, reviewing something you said in 2014. Nobody else remembers it. You are covering for all of them.
You rehearse a phone call. You have a script. You have a backup script. The call lasts forty seconds and they say “no problem.”
The thing you have dreaded since Monday takes nine minutes and is fine. By the evening you have found a new thing.
You have been given advice
“Thank you. I had not considered simply not being anxious.”
A different idea
Don’t fix it. Give it paperwork.
This journal doesn’t try to cure your anxiety. It treats it as what it is: a roommate who pays no rent, keeps terrible hours and has opinions about everything.
So you give it a name. You write its performance review (strengths: punctuality). You file an incident report every time it raises the alarm, and you record the evidence that a crime occurred, which is none.
It turns out a worry is much harder to take seriously once it has been filled in on a form.
What’s inside
Ten sections. Sixty prompts.
Each prompt has ruled space underneath. Start wherever your anxiety already is.
The Roommate
“If your anxiety paid rent, what would it owe you by now? Show your working.”
Sent. Delivered. Read. Nothing.
“Someone typed, then stopped. Write the three messages you believe they deleted.”
The 3am Spiral
“List what you have solved at 3am. Then list what was still solved by morning.”
Body Betrayal
“Write a formal complaint to your stomach about its timing.”
The Social Replay Loop
“How long do you think the other person thought about it? Write the number. It is zero.”
It’s Monday. The Thing Is Thursday.
“What have you already apologised for that has not happened yet?”
Have You Tried Yoga?
“Write a review of deep breathing, out of five stars.”
Everything Is Fine. Suspicious.
“You felt happy. How long before you became suspicious?”
Creature Comforts
“What is your safe place? Describe it like an estate agent.”
It Was Fine, Actually
“What scary thing did you do anyway this week?”
60 prompts, 10 activities, 2 print-as-needed forms, 1 certificate.
The forms
And then there is the paperwork.
Print as needed
The incident report
One form per incident. Trigger, severity, what you believed was happening, what actually happened. Signed by you. Countersignature from your anxiety: refused.
Evidence a crime occurred: None.
Activity
The 3am spiral map
Start in the centre with one small thought. Write along the line. Follow it outward, turn by turn, to total ruin. Record the time taken.
Seeing the route written down is most of the joke.
Print as needed
Anxiety bingo
Twenty-four squares, from “apologised to furniture” to “felt fine, became suspicious.” The free square is “something is wrong, unclear what.”
A full row before lunch is not unusual.
Activity
The dread calendar
Mark the event with an X. Shade every day you spent dreading it. Then fill in how many minutes the event took, and how it went.
How it went: Fine.
Also inside: the read-receipt timeline, the body map, the replay scorecard, the catch detector, the comfort inventory, the scoreboard, a log of things that turned out fine, and a Certificate of Thorough Worrying.
How it works
Yours in about a minute.
Buy it
One payment of £9.99. No subscription, nothing posted to you.
Download it
You get one PDF, 58 pages, A4 size, straight after checkout.
Write in it
Print it at home, or open it in a notes app on a tablet. Reprint the forms whenever you need them.
Before you buy
Questions, answered calmly.
This is a humour journal, not treatment. It is for writing in and occasionally laughing at. It is not therapy or medical advice and it does not diagnose anything. If anxiety is making daily life hard, please talk to your doctor or a qualified professional.
Is it a physical book?
No. It is a digital PDF that you download and print yourself, or use on a tablet. Nothing is posted.
Can I use it on a tablet?
Yes. Open it in any app that lets you write on a PDF. The contents page links to each section.
Will it print on US Letter paper?
Yes. It is designed for A4; choose “fit to page” in your print settings.
Can I print it more than once?
Yes, as often as you like for your own use. The incident report and bingo card are made to be reprinted.
Who is it for?
You, or the friend who replies “sounds good!” after drafting it four times.
Anxiety, My Old Friend